“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.