in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited