Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan