Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Omg 🤣
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.