A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”