How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
You Might Also Like
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.