The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.