Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Good advice.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.