Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
me: my friends:
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.