House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night