Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
How times have changed.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
having children is a pyramid scheme.