If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
You Might Also Like
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.