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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.