Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
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A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
getting old is fun
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.