Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
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if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
<- sleeps well with others
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd