Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Great Canadian literature.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.