I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
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They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*pronounces woah like Noah*
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one