Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
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The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Krampus.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?