trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
You Might Also Like
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*