5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
*watches the world burn*
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!