I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah