Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Autocorrect is my menesis
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Worst Native American name ever.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone