Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer