[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
From my Mom
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games