[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Baller is short for ballerina
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven