*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
When can I start eating bats again.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Don’t tell me what to do
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Lol