[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.