Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Confused owl: What?!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
This meal prepping shit easy
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !