FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
my mind
You just read my mind
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.