I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Breaking news:
Guantanamo Bae
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.