If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”