Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
A classic…
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)