Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this