Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.