Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
War & Peace
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My typo game is string.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list