5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Put the is in disheveled
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.