Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.