I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My favorite farside!!
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.