Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
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[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“i am a sweet baby”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.