ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
A dad and his duck
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”