Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
You Might Also Like
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery