There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
opening twitter today
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.