If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
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Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.