Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
For the orator and chef in all of us
⚠️ Important Reminder:
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
This was the best day of my life
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows