Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
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I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.