[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”