I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
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Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.