*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
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My dress code is business-casualty.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.