Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.