I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
NASA has no chill
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,